Another well spent dollar #7

Brash and headstrong, Kevven Tomari is a freewheeling intergalactic agent trained by an ancient and mysterious race called The Builders to troubleshoot the hot spots of space. This time a routine rescue mission explodes into a series of wild escapades that finds him fending off the advances of a bevy of extraterrestrial beauties, fighting shoulder to tentacle with a madcap collection of alien companions and leading an all-out war against the deadliest beings in the universe - a race known only as The Enemy. But there's a wild card in this stacked deck, a revelation so awesome it will alter the cosmic balance of power for all eternity.

Chuck Norris - Karate Kommandos 2

Well, then I guess all is lost.

Another well spent dollar #6

From the distant dipoles of the universe, two telepathic computers, Largo and Czandra, known as Control, rule over life on all civilized planets.

And now, with Project Cancelar, Control has formulated a plan for achieving immortality… a plan which requires as fodder the collapsing of the universe and the destruction of all life.

And there is nothing that humans can do.

But there is another force in the universe… hidden in the abyss of the Silent Quarter… plotting destruction of Control.

A force that is about to be demolished!

But before it expires, it launches from its depths a magic ring, an elixir, and a man and a woman in love - riding within the living spirit of a remarkable spaceship to do battle against the cumulative technology of the entire universe.

FIREBIRD.

Chuck Norris - Karate Kommandos

The men in this comic book both fear and desire Chuck Norris in equal measure.

To Steve (Side B)

Ma + Pa respond to Steve... sort of.

To Ma + Pa (Side A) Part 6

In this final installment of Side A, Steve tells his parents all about his dreams of becoming a truck driver and seeing the world ("yes, even Mexico").

He also wonders out loud whether Dave is still going to move in with them and what room he's going to be staying in.

At the end he invites his parents to respond to him on Side B.

Revenge of the Mercenaries

Revenge of The Mercenaries is a bit of a mystery, even to someone who has seen it. There are no opening or closing credits, only the title, and probably due to the lack of credits, the movie isn't even listed on IMDB. The director, writer, and producer are all unknown, the only people receiving any credit for the movie are the three stars, Ian McPhail, Jon Austin, and Robin Atha. Only Ian McPhail has an IMDB page with acting credits, three films between 2003 and 2009, it might be the same actor, but I can't be sure. I found one alternate title, The Bounty Hunters, but that too gave me nothing but a low-res scan of the cover. The only information I've gathered is that this shot-on-video gem was made somewhere around 1983, somewhere around Canada, for somewhere around $100 (rough estimate). This one might have to remain a mystery, and I guess that's fine, because Revenge of the Mercenaries is a pretty terrible movie.

The movie opens in Vietnam with a pointless introduction to our two main characters (I can't even remember their names). The less said about that scene the better. The more apt introduction to the characters comes in the next scene; ten years after the war both of the men are bedding multiple women and being offered high-paying ($5,000) bounty hunter jobs, at the same time. Success!

Their current job is to cross the border into Canada and bring back a deranged, coke-addled nude photographer who is suspected of murder in the US. Their employer mentions black masses and ritual killings, but what we actually see in the movie hardly resembles anything that exciting; there are chains and torches, but it looks more like a really lame Halloween party than a satanic gathering. The main problem in the movie is that there's a whole lot of talk and very little action. The actual capture of the fugitive consists of little more than throwing some tear gas in his hideout, walking in casually, punching him in the gut and walking away.

Very little in the movie seems to actually pertain to the supposed plot, it's more like a string of unrelated scenes thrown together in haste. The movie does have a message though, something about the problems with extradition laws, but by the end no one will really care. The best thing in the movie is the way-over-the-top performance of the murderous photographer (he plays a coke-addled photographer like a coke-addled actor). Sometimes Revenge of the Mercenaries is genuinely hilarious in the way that only shot-on-video movies from the 80's can be, but most of the time it's dull to the max.

Originally posted at VHS WASTELAND.