Revenge of the Mercenaries

Revenge of The Mercenaries is a bit of a mystery, even to someone who has seen it. There are no opening or closing credits, only the title, and probably due to the lack of credits, the movie isn't even listed on IMDB. The director, writer, and producer are all unknown, the only people receiving any credit for the movie are the three stars, Ian McPhail, Jon Austin, and Robin Atha. Only Ian McPhail has an IMDB page with acting credits, three films between 2003 and 2009, it might be the same actor, but I can't be sure. I found one alternate title, The Bounty Hunters, but that too gave me nothing but a low-res scan of the cover. The only information I've gathered is that this shot-on-video gem was made somewhere around 1983, somewhere around Canada, for somewhere around $100 (rough estimate). This one might have to remain a mystery, and I guess that's fine, because Revenge of the Mercenaries is a pretty terrible movie.

The movie opens in Vietnam with a pointless introduction to our two main characters (I can't even remember their names). The less said about that scene the better. The more apt introduction to the characters comes in the next scene; ten years after the war both of the men are bedding multiple women and being offered high-paying ($5,000) bounty hunter jobs, at the same time. Success!

Their current job is to cross the border into Canada and bring back a deranged, coke-addled nude photographer who is suspected of murder in the US. Their employer mentions black masses and ritual killings, but what we actually see in the movie hardly resembles anything that exciting; there are chains and torches, but it looks more like a really lame Halloween party than a satanic gathering. The main problem in the movie is that there's a whole lot of talk and very little action. The actual capture of the fugitive consists of little more than throwing some tear gas in his hideout, walking in casually, punching him in the gut and walking away.

Very little in the movie seems to actually pertain to the supposed plot, it's more like a string of unrelated scenes thrown together in haste. The movie does have a message though, something about the problems with extradition laws, but by the end no one will really care. The best thing in the movie is the way-over-the-top performance of the murderous photographer (he plays a coke-addled photographer like a coke-addled actor). Sometimes Revenge of the Mercenaries is genuinely hilarious in the way that only shot-on-video movies from the 80's can be, but most of the time it's dull to the max.

Originally posted at VHS WASTELAND.

Little Marines

I forced my Mother to rent Little Marines an obscene number of times from Video Depot, our video store of choice when I was a kid. I loved it. Watching it now though I have no idea what about the movie appealed to me when I was a kid. It's low budget keeps it from ever becoming the sort of action spectacle that the filmmakers probably wanted it to be. You could never mistake it for something like The Goonies, another of my childhood favorites. The most exciting action set piece is a chase scene between bikes (three BMX and one dirt bike that's only going as fast as a BMX to maintain the illusion that there is a believable chase going on) all set on an unattractive mound of dirt in the woods. And the characters talk way too much about their feelings to keep the average kid entertained. What I was drawn to as a child in this movie is beyond my adult comprehension, but the cynical grown up in me loved every second of this bizarre, southern-fried piece of cinematic gold.

Read my full review over at VHS WASTELAND.

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is an absolutely ridiculous straight-to-video cash grab from 1995. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in this video are somewhat reminiscent of the characters from the live-action movies, except that their mouths barely move when they speak, and their costumes look like they're about to fall apart. I think I saw Michelangelo's jockstrap under his shell during one intense dance sequence. But the music is what's really important, and this is where We Wish You A Turtle Christmas really shines. Just imagine if you will Leonardo draped in Christmas tree lights, with a ridiculous (and totally unexplained) Jamaican accent singing "deck the halls with pepperoni, fa la la la la, la la la la." But you don't have to imagine it, because no matter how hard you try to wish it away, it actually exists. The story involves the Turtles realizing that they forgot to get Splinter a present and racing around the city on Christmas Eve to find one, but nevermind that, just enjoy the rap about wrapping presents. I sure did. I know that it's impossible to un-crush the souls of all the children who watched this video, I just hope that everyone that was involved in We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is sufficiently embarrassed of what they did.

Check out the full scan over at VHS WASTELAND.