Revenge of the Mercenaries

Revenge of The Mercenaries is a bit of a mystery, even to someone who has seen it. There are no opening or closing credits, only the title, and probably due to the lack of credits, the movie isn't even listed on IMDB. The director, writer, and producer are all unknown, the only people receiving any credit for the movie are the three stars, Ian McPhail, Jon Austin, and Robin Atha. Only Ian McPhail has an IMDB page with acting credits, three films between 2003 and 2009, it might be the same actor, but I can't be sure. I found one alternate title, The Bounty Hunters, but that too gave me nothing but a low-res scan of the cover. The only information I've gathered is that this shot-on-video gem was made somewhere around 1983, somewhere around Canada, for somewhere around $100 (rough estimate). This one might have to remain a mystery, and I guess that's fine, because Revenge of the Mercenaries is a pretty terrible movie.

The movie opens in Vietnam with a pointless introduction to our two main characters (I can't even remember their names). The less said about that scene the better. The more apt introduction to the characters comes in the next scene; ten years after the war both of the men are bedding multiple women and being offered high-paying ($5,000) bounty hunter jobs, at the same time. Success!

Their current job is to cross the border into Canada and bring back a deranged, coke-addled nude photographer who is suspected of murder in the US. Their employer mentions black masses and ritual killings, but what we actually see in the movie hardly resembles anything that exciting; there are chains and torches, but it looks more like a really lame Halloween party than a satanic gathering. The main problem in the movie is that there's a whole lot of talk and very little action. The actual capture of the fugitive consists of little more than throwing some tear gas in his hideout, walking in casually, punching him in the gut and walking away.

Very little in the movie seems to actually pertain to the supposed plot, it's more like a string of unrelated scenes thrown together in haste. The movie does have a message though, something about the problems with extradition laws, but by the end no one will really care. The best thing in the movie is the way-over-the-top performance of the murderous photographer (he plays a coke-addled photographer like a coke-addled actor). Sometimes Revenge of the Mercenaries is genuinely hilarious in the way that only shot-on-video movies from the 80's can be, but most of the time it's dull to the max.

Originally posted at VHS WASTELAND.

Little Marines

I forced my Mother to rent Little Marines an obscene number of times from Video Depot, our video store of choice when I was a kid. I loved it. Watching it now though I have no idea what about the movie appealed to me when I was a kid. It's low budget keeps it from ever becoming the sort of action spectacle that the filmmakers probably wanted it to be. You could never mistake it for something like The Goonies, another of my childhood favorites. The most exciting action set piece is a chase scene between bikes (three BMX and one dirt bike that's only going as fast as a BMX to maintain the illusion that there is a believable chase going on) all set on an unattractive mound of dirt in the woods. And the characters talk way too much about their feelings to keep the average kid entertained. What I was drawn to as a child in this movie is beyond my adult comprehension, but the cynical grown up in me loved every second of this bizarre, southern-fried piece of cinematic gold.

Read my full review over at VHS WASTELAND.

Murder Weapon

Murder Weapon is an interesting movie. Interesting. The opening scene (which is 10 minutes long) consists mainly of footage of a bikini-clad woman lotioning her arms and legs, and Linnea Quigley in pigtails, walking home from school and drinking a glass of milk. It's not really as amazing as it might sound. The editor cuts back and forth between these two scenes so frequently that the movie almost hypnotizes you into thinking it all means something. Rest assured, it doesn't. But the bizarre pace and editing of Murder Weapon is what makes it worth watching (once); at times it almost feels more like an avant-garde student film than a late 80's slasher by the director of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama. Which isn't to say that it's good, it's definitely not, but it has more going for it than the average bad slasher movie.

Over at VHS WASTELAND you can read my full review for Murder Weapon.

Exterminator 2

There's something I need to get off my chest right now, technically I'm only the co-owner of Exterminator 2. My friend David and I both dug $1.50 out of our pockets to cover the $3.00 price tag on this tape back in the 8th grade, and we purchased it together from a nice old lady at the flea market. I think we were both mesmerized by the box, both how big it was and what was on it. So David took it home that Saturday to watch it and report back to me at school on Monday. I sat around all weekend watching lesser films, only imagining the greatness contained on that tape. When David brought it to school on Monday he reluctantly handed it over to me, telling me how amazing it was. After school I went home and popped it into my VCR as soon as I could, and I understood what he was talking about. In fact I was so enraptured that I never gave the tape back to David. I kept it all to myself. I'm sorry David, I wronged you. But to get to the point...

Over at VHS WASTELAND you can read my review of the vigilante classic Exterminator 2.