Another well spent dollar #7

Brash and headstrong, Kevven Tomari is a freewheeling intergalactic agent trained by an ancient and mysterious race called The Builders to troubleshoot the hot spots of space. This time a routine rescue mission explodes into a series of wild escapades that finds him fending off the advances of a bevy of extraterrestrial beauties, fighting shoulder to tentacle with a madcap collection of alien companions and leading an all-out war against the deadliest beings in the universe - a race known only as The Enemy. But there's a wild card in this stacked deck, a revelation so awesome it will alter the cosmic balance of power for all eternity.

Chuck Norris - Karate Kommandos 2

Well, then I guess all is lost.

Another well spent dollar #6

From the distant dipoles of the universe, two telepathic computers, Largo and Czandra, known as Control, rule over life on all civilized planets.

And now, with Project Cancelar, Control has formulated a plan for achieving immortality… a plan which requires as fodder the collapsing of the universe and the destruction of all life.

And there is nothing that humans can do.

But there is another force in the universe… hidden in the abyss of the Silent Quarter… plotting destruction of Control.

A force that is about to be demolished!

But before it expires, it launches from its depths a magic ring, an elixir, and a man and a woman in love - riding within the living spirit of a remarkable spaceship to do battle against the cumulative technology of the entire universe.

FIREBIRD.

Chuck Norris - Karate Kommandos

The men in this comic book both fear and desire Chuck Norris in equal measure.

To Steve (Side B)

Ma + Pa respond to Steve... sort of.

To Ma + Pa (Side A) Part 6

In this final installment of Side A, Steve tells his parents all about his dreams of becoming a truck driver and seeing the world ("yes, even Mexico").

He also wonders out loud whether Dave is still going to move in with them and what room he's going to be staying in.

At the end he invites his parents to respond to him on Side B.

Revenge of the Mercenaries

Revenge of The Mercenaries is a bit of a mystery, even to someone who has seen it. There are no opening or closing credits, only the title, and probably due to the lack of credits, the movie isn't even listed on IMDB. The director, writer, and producer are all unknown, the only people receiving any credit for the movie are the three stars, Ian McPhail, Jon Austin, and Robin Atha. Only Ian McPhail has an IMDB page with acting credits, three films between 2003 and 2009, it might be the same actor, but I can't be sure. I found one alternate title, The Bounty Hunters, but that too gave me nothing but a low-res scan of the cover. The only information I've gathered is that this shot-on-video gem was made somewhere around 1983, somewhere around Canada, for somewhere around $100 (rough estimate). This one might have to remain a mystery, and I guess that's fine, because Revenge of the Mercenaries is a pretty terrible movie.

The movie opens in Vietnam with a pointless introduction to our two main characters (I can't even remember their names). The less said about that scene the better. The more apt introduction to the characters comes in the next scene; ten years after the war both of the men are bedding multiple women and being offered high-paying ($5,000) bounty hunter jobs, at the same time. Success!

Their current job is to cross the border into Canada and bring back a deranged, coke-addled nude photographer who is suspected of murder in the US. Their employer mentions black masses and ritual killings, but what we actually see in the movie hardly resembles anything that exciting; there are chains and torches, but it looks more like a really lame Halloween party than a satanic gathering. The main problem in the movie is that there's a whole lot of talk and very little action. The actual capture of the fugitive consists of little more than throwing some tear gas in his hideout, walking in casually, punching him in the gut and walking away.

Very little in the movie seems to actually pertain to the supposed plot, it's more like a string of unrelated scenes thrown together in haste. The movie does have a message though, something about the problems with extradition laws, but by the end no one will really care. The best thing in the movie is the way-over-the-top performance of the murderous photographer (he plays a coke-addled photographer like a coke-addled actor). Sometimes Revenge of the Mercenaries is genuinely hilarious in the way that only shot-on-video movies from the 80's can be, but most of the time it's dull to the max.

Originally posted at VHS WASTELAND.

Another well spent dollar #5

Eridani III…

An ancient garden of perfection, dwelling place of the Proteps. For years the Earth had coveted this lush Eden far beyond their reach in the stellar vastness. But now the Terran starcruisers could make the eleven-light-years' journey within a mortal lifetime… and now the superior Proteps coldly prepare to annihilate the Earth - before the invaders can approach the legendary planet…

It is up to one man - Earth's bionic-powered Jared Hiller - to stave off the horror of interplanetary war. Alone, he dares to storm the gates of paradise, to discover the ancient and terrible secrets of an immortal race… and to win a beautiful and intriguing woman whose love could change the destiny of two mighty worlds...

The Exterminator

I saw the sequel to The Exterminator before I even knew that a first installment existed; I assumed one did, because the sequel is called Exterminator 2, but I had no definitive proof. So after having my mind blown by Exterminator 2 I sought out the movie that started it all, and wasn't too disappointed in what I found really. The Exterminator is a much more somber, dramatic affair than the sequel, or at least it's intended to be; there isn't a single breakdance scene in the entire movie (although one would have been much appreciated). As far as pure entertainment goes, I'd give my vote to Exterminator 2, but this one holds it's own quite admirably among it's grindhouse brethren.

Check out my full review of The Exterminator at VHS WASTELAND.

Terrible Graffiti

"Fuck all the cops witch clam to never lost a foot race."

Someone needed to say it, and I'm glad this guy stepped up to the plate.

(Under a bridge in Anderson, CA. Surrounded on all sides by equally unimpressive Juggalo graffiti.)

Little Marines

I forced my Mother to rent Little Marines an obscene number of times from Video Depot, our video store of choice when I was a kid. I loved it. Watching it now though I have no idea what about the movie appealed to me when I was a kid. It's low budget keeps it from ever becoming the sort of action spectacle that the filmmakers probably wanted it to be. You could never mistake it for something like The Goonies, another of my childhood favorites. The most exciting action set piece is a chase scene between bikes (three BMX and one dirt bike that's only going as fast as a BMX to maintain the illusion that there is a believable chase going on) all set on an unattractive mound of dirt in the woods. And the characters talk way too much about their feelings to keep the average kid entertained. What I was drawn to as a child in this movie is beyond my adult comprehension, but the cynical grown up in me loved every second of this bizarre, southern-fried piece of cinematic gold.

Read my full review over at VHS WASTELAND.

To Ma + Pa (Side A) Part 5

In this installment Steve drops some knowledge on his parents.

"I like verse 35. But what is wisdom? Well, according to the New American Webster Handy College Dictionary, printed in 1956, wisdom is..."

He also recites a bizarre incantation and then reassures his Mother that he hasn't been practicing any dark arts.

Another well spent dollar #4

They met in secret.

Five very special people whose parentage made outcasts of them all - even before they had been given any opportunity to prove or disprove their worth to society. Indeed, had they been discovered at birth, they would very likely have been killed.

So they started by owing humanity nothing.

Nothing except the bitter hatred and resentment of any outcast in any time.

But with a difference.

For these were starbred. These combined, if not the best, then certainly the strongest attributes of man and Centuarian. These five were infinitely superior to man - and they hated as superior beings might. Not with a desire to destroy, but with the need to control - absolutely.

And so they met in secret.

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is an absolutely ridiculous straight-to-video cash grab from 1995. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in this video are somewhat reminiscent of the characters from the live-action movies, except that their mouths barely move when they speak, and their costumes look like they're about to fall apart. I think I saw Michelangelo's jockstrap under his shell during one intense dance sequence. But the music is what's really important, and this is where We Wish You A Turtle Christmas really shines. Just imagine if you will Leonardo draped in Christmas tree lights, with a ridiculous (and totally unexplained) Jamaican accent singing "deck the halls with pepperoni, fa la la la la, la la la la." But you don't have to imagine it, because no matter how hard you try to wish it away, it actually exists. The story involves the Turtles realizing that they forgot to get Splinter a present and racing around the city on Christmas Eve to find one, but nevermind that, just enjoy the rap about wrapping presents. I sure did. I know that it's impossible to un-crush the souls of all the children who watched this video, I just hope that everyone that was involved in We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is sufficiently embarrassed of what they did.

Check out the full scan over at VHS WASTELAND.

To Ma + Pa (Side A) Part 4

In this installment Steve concludes the insanely long audio tour of his apartment, does a horrendous AC/DC impression, bores everyone by talking about soccer, and brags about his penny collection.



Absolutely riveting.

Murder Weapon

Murder Weapon is an interesting movie. Interesting. The opening scene (which is 10 minutes long) consists mainly of footage of a bikini-clad woman lotioning her arms and legs, and Linnea Quigley in pigtails, walking home from school and drinking a glass of milk. It's not really as amazing as it might sound. The editor cuts back and forth between these two scenes so frequently that the movie almost hypnotizes you into thinking it all means something. Rest assured, it doesn't. But the bizarre pace and editing of Murder Weapon is what makes it worth watching (once); at times it almost feels more like an avant-garde student film than a late 80's slasher by the director of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama. Which isn't to say that it's good, it's definitely not, but it has more going for it than the average bad slasher movie.

Over at VHS WASTELAND you can read my full review for Murder Weapon.

Another well spent dollar #3

Sean Cloud dialed a headache pill. The pill tube flashed, "SORRY, OUT OF ORDER."

Sean had never been on Earth, for which he felt both a vague loyalty and a colonist's contempt. After all, Earth had made quite a mess of it in the late 1990s. But here he was, on the one in-shuttle Mars owned, going on behalf of the Martian colonies to request arms to defend the planet against the alien fleet sighted off Saturn.

But supposing the cheerful newstapes Earth sent the colonies were retouched? Suppose Westbloc hadn't any weapons, or needed them for its arms race with Eastbloc? Sean rubbed his aching head. No doubt about it, there'd be further headaches awaiting him in THE ASYLUM WORLD.

To Ma + Pa (Side A) Part 3

Part three of the audio tape I bought from a thrift store in Anderson, CA.

In this installment Steve takes his parents on a ridiculously thorough tour of his one bedroom apartment. He describes nearly everything in great detail, spending two whole minutes describing one BYU poster on his bedroom wall.

"It's just a crazy poster. Hmmm..."

Exterminator 2

There's something I need to get off my chest right now, technically I'm only the co-owner of Exterminator 2. My friend David and I both dug $1.50 out of our pockets to cover the $3.00 price tag on this tape back in the 8th grade, and we purchased it together from a nice old lady at the flea market. I think we were both mesmerized by the box, both how big it was and what was on it. So David took it home that Saturday to watch it and report back to me at school on Monday. I sat around all weekend watching lesser films, only imagining the greatness contained on that tape. When David brought it to school on Monday he reluctantly handed it over to me, telling me how amazing it was. After school I went home and popped it into my VCR as soon as I could, and I understood what he was talking about. In fact I was so enraptured that I never gave the tape back to David. I kept it all to myself. I'm sorry David, I wronged you. But to get to the point...

Over at VHS WASTELAND you can read my review of the vigilante classic Exterminator 2.

To Ma + Pa (Side A) Part 2

Part two of the audio tape I bought from a thrift store in Anderson, CA. In this part Steve excitedly tells his parents about the prospects he's been speaking with.

"They're so golden man. They're in their baptismal suits, they just don't know it yet."

He also introduces the wisecracking Bishop Bingham, mocks his Dad's baldness and his Mom's cooking, and reads them the Top Ten Reasons Why a Franklin Planner is Better Than a Girlfriend. Absolutely riveting.

In the next installment Steve takes his parents on a thorough audio tour of his 1 bedroom apartment, where he spends over 2 minutes describing a poster on his wall. Seriously.

Another well spent dollar #2

Centuries after the holocaust that destroyed Earth, Galad Sarian is exiled from his home planet of Zurjah to Karkesh, the desecrated city of chains on the planet Ur. There, the former heir to the Dream Lords throne is to be eternally imprisoned with the vilest anthropomorphic species of monsters in all the nine worlds…

Creatures so hideous that the mind cannot imagine the mutations and permutations from which they sprang…

Creatures so fearfully atrocious that Galad Sarian cannot know if they truly exist, or if they are nightmarish hallucinations created for his torture by the awesome magic of THE DREAM LORDS.

Danny Edward - Champion of Love

I bought this cassette tape, autographed and everything, at a thrift store in Anderson, CA. Fifty cents worth of awesome.

"To Lonnie & Dee Dee,

God bless you richly

I love you very much

Keep moving forward

Love, Danny L. Edward"

To Ma + Pa (Side A) Part 1

I found this tape at a thrift store in Anderson, CA. The only hints as to it's content were "To Ma + Pa" on Side A and "To Steve" on Side B. It turned out to be an audio letter from a Mormon missionary to his parents. This is part 1 of Side A, where Mormon missionary Steve tells his parents about his breakfast, the state of Florida, his desire for new pants, and his Senior Elder, Jared Eugene Lee.

In the next installment Steve practically salivates while telling his parents about some of his new prospects in Florida.

Another well spent dollar #1

Nobody has a name like Jesus O'Flynn. And it's true Jesus is not his name.

But Mr. Charisman called him Jesus because that is what O'Flynn had said the first time he glimpsed the dimensions of the creature who called himself, idiotically, Mr. Charisman. Mr. Charisman was a gigantic excrescence with many moving mouths that argued with one another, that snapped and drooled over O'Flynn in a manner altogether disgusting.

But if Mr. Charisman was a nightmare, what he wanted O'Flynn to do was utter madness.

On the other hand, even utter madness can look sane when one has a time bomb planted in one's body...